Rick Osborn | Life Coach, Nutrition Consultant & Graphic Designer

As of late, I keep encountering people, both within my counsel and without, who seem to have trouble understanding the concept of having solid life boundaries. No matter what the issue that people are dealing with, it can invariably be traced to NOT having solidly defined boundaries for their lives. In fact, it seems that some that I encounter have almost no boundaries at all.

Frankly, those who do not have clearly defined boundaries for their lives are operating in dangerous territory. As I’ve stated before, to move forward (away from the pain, problems and frustrations) a person must have control of his ship (life). However, if you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere you don’t want to be or possibly shipwrecked for life. Having proper boundaries helps us define our path and stay focused, so that this doesn’t happen.

From a practical standpoint, I often ask my clients, “What are your goals - What are your boundaries?” Upon asking about “goals”, most can quickly come up with a list of ideal things that they’d like to accomplish in life. Unfortunately, none of these goals will ever be fully realized without healthy boundaries. Furthermore, when I continue to ask the question, “What are your boundaries?” - they usually look at me with a blank expression.

The fact of the matter is that not only do many not have clearly defined goals, but even worse is that most people do not set clearly defined boundaries for themselves.

Right now, if you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, feeling frustrated and alone, overweight and uncomfortable, dealing with a secret addiction or having an affair, overly anxious about something, in a dead-end career, in debt way over your head, or just simply stuck in a rut - YOU DO NOT HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED BOUNDARIES.

And just so you know, a BOUNDARY is an assigned limit for yourself, beyond which you DO NOT OPERATE. It’s the “line drawn in the sand.” It’s the line YOU DO NOT CROSS. If you don’t have boundaries, you don’t know who you are. If you don’t know who you are, you will NEVER be truly happy, nor will you ever be able to have stability in your life. A person without healthy boundaries is a person without direction.

The following wellness diagram is not all inclusive, but it does give an idea of the characteristics that relate to operating within and/or without a clearly defined boundary system. If you have no set boundaries, then most likely you’re operating in the red with an occasional meandering into the green. If you have clearly defined boundaries, then the characteristics that appear within the green circle should very well represent your life.

It’s your job to figure out what things you should do to stay within the circle of health above, as well as the things that you should not do to incur the negative characteristics in the red.

If you need help with this, click here so I can help you figure this out.

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In my previous post, entitled “Being a Victim”, I listed what I believe to be the three kinds of victims and went on to explain the first - the “ignorant” victim. In this post, I’ll continue by explaining the second kind of victim:

A Passive Victim - is someone who knowingly or willingly suffers from a destructive or injurious action or behavior. Like the “ignorant” victim, the circumstances surrounding a “passive” victim can also run the gamut. It can be as seemingly harmless as a teenager who allows him/herself to be ridiculed repeatedly by peers in order to feel accepted as part of a group or it can be much more serious, such as a wife who stays in an abusive relationship, despite the fact that her husband repeatedly abuses her. The fact remains, the first time the abuse occurs (on any level), it most likely happens unknowingly (ignorant victim). Depending on the circumstance of being victimized, if a boundary is not immediately created, the abuse will most likely happen again. At this point, the person switches from being an “ignorant” victim to a “passive” victim. The real danger here, no matter how harmless the abuse may seem, is that it can become a learned behavior. Without getting too deep into the psychology of this, let me just say that being a “passive” victim is NOT a healthy place to be. At the very core, the “passive” victim is a sick individual, by the very nature of the word “passive”. To be passive is to not have control, but to allow someone else to do the controlling, whether in a good or bad way. On a personal note, no matter how you look at it, if you are allowing someone else to captain your ship (to control your life), you will never reach your full potential in life. Moreover, you will always live in a state of perpetual frustration. I could write volumes on this particular issue, as there is much on which to elaborate.

For brevity sake, let me just direct my words to you -

If you are a passive victim - you already know it - whether you want to admit it or not. By the very nature of what it means to be “passive”, you are complicit (in agreement) to being victimized, controlled, or manipulated. Choose whatever term you want to use “to be used.” If you want to change, if you want to regain control of your life, there are a couple of important things you need to do:

1. Admit to yourself that you’re allowing it to happen.
2. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Sometimes, just admitting to yourself that you’re a “willing” victim is extremely difficult. Most of the time, it’s pretty easy to see. The most difficult part is to stop playing that role - to break that cycle, that learned response that’s been going on for so long. Few people can do it alone, but find that they need the support of healthy, objective friends, a counselor, God or a combination of all of these. Again, I could dig very deep into this particular subject, but I won’t. There are many good books that have already been written about the negative ramifications of being a victim. And there are many other familiar psychological terms that are used in the midst: codependent, addiction, etc. I only mention “victim” here, because I believe that to recognize it and to deal with it is of the utmost importance in living a healthy, balanced and productive life. For one to reach his/her full potential as a human being, there is no place for being a “passive” victim.

My hope is that if you’re a passive victim, that it’s easily recognizable and also easy for you to rectify the situation. If it’s not, feel free to contact me and we can talk. If I can’t help you, I can help you find someone who can.

For now, to move forward, search your heart and your life. Analyze your relationships with those who are close to you. If you’re playing the role of “passive” victim, it’s time for a change. I would also add that you should analyze your relationship with yourself. That may sound strange, but it’s also quite possible for us to willingly be a victim of our own bad behavior, but that’s for another discussion.

Remember, as Christ said: “if you know the Truth, the Truth will set you free.” Right now, my question for you is - Do you know the truth about your own life?

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