Rick Osborn | Life Coach, Nutrition Consultant & Graphic Designer

As of late, I keep encountering people, both within my counsel and without, who seem to have trouble understanding the concept of having solid life boundaries. No matter what the issue that people are dealing with, it can invariably be traced to NOT having solidly defined boundaries for their lives. In fact, it seems that some that I encounter have almost no boundaries at all.

Frankly, those who do not have clearly defined boundaries for their lives are operating in dangerous territory. As I’ve stated before, to move forward (away from the pain, problems and frustrations) a person must have control of his ship (life). However, if you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere you don’t want to be or possibly shipwrecked for life. Having proper boundaries helps us define our path and stay focused, so that this doesn’t happen.

From a practical standpoint, I often ask my clients, “What are your goals - What are your boundaries?” Upon asking about “goals”, most can quickly come up with a list of ideal things that they’d like to accomplish in life. Unfortunately, none of these goals will ever be fully realized without healthy boundaries. Furthermore, when I continue to ask the question, “What are your boundaries?” - they usually look at me with a blank expression.

The fact of the matter is that not only do many not have clearly defined goals, but even worse is that most people do not set clearly defined boundaries for themselves.

Right now, if you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, feeling frustrated and alone, overweight and uncomfortable, dealing with a secret addiction or having an affair, overly anxious about something, in a dead-end career, in debt way over your head, or just simply stuck in a rut - YOU DO NOT HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED BOUNDARIES.

And just so you know, a BOUNDARY is an assigned limit for yourself, beyond which you DO NOT OPERATE. It’s the “line drawn in the sand.” It’s the line YOU DO NOT CROSS. If you don’t have boundaries, you don’t know who you are. If you don’t know who you are, you will NEVER be truly happy, nor will you ever be able to have stability in your life. A person without healthy boundaries is a person without direction.

The following wellness diagram is not all inclusive, but it does give an idea of the characteristics that relate to operating within and/or without a clearly defined boundary system. If you have no set boundaries, then most likely you’re operating in the red with an occasional meandering into the green. If you have clearly defined boundaries, then the characteristics that appear within the green circle should very well represent your life.

It’s your job to figure out what things you should do to stay within the circle of health above, as well as the things that you should not do to incur the negative characteristics in the red.

If you need help with this, click here so I can help you figure this out.

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or, is it somebody else’s?

Remember, in order to get your ship moving in the right direction, you have to be in control (standing at the helm, with your hands on the wheel). Many of us are passive observers of our own lives, hanging out in the lounge of our ship, taking no control or responsibility for where our ship (life) is going. That particular situation may seem easy, but in reality it’s NOT where you want to be. You’ll never solve your problems and be the best person you can be if this is your situation.

Let’s take a closer look at this “condition”. And, just for the sake of naming it something, I’ll call it “passive observer syndrome”.

Passive observer syndrome - is a condition where a person fails to take control of their own life, thereby surrendering his/her authority and power to affect change.

It’s not hard to understand what this condition is. Basically, you either have control of your life or you don’t. Either you are captain of your ship or your not. I suppose it’s possible to have some part-time captains in your life, people to whom you entrust control of your ship from time to time. I’ll get into that later. But for now and for clarity sake, I’m going to talk in absolutes - you either have control of your life, or you do not.

Now, the question for you that begs to be asked is - “Do you have control of your own life?” Before you answer, “yes,” as it’s a quick and simple answer, think about it - meditate on it, pray about it. It’s time for some serious self-examination here. Coming to terms with this particular question will be key for solving problems, attaining goals, becoming a healthier and happier person, improving relationships and finding success for your life.

If you discover that someone else has control of your life, chances are it’s not a good thing, even if it’s someone that you love, trust or respect. Ultimately, you need to be making decisions for yourself, unless you’re five years old. If someone is making decisions for you, it either means that you’re not capable of making them yourself, or quite frankly, you’re a dependent person, which can open Pandora’s box of problems. And, if this is you, don’t despair - there is a way out.

As an aside, let me also say that it’s very possible to allow someTHING to have control over your life. You may be saying to yourself, “nobody controls me . . . I make my own decisions . . .” But does someTHING have a grip on you? Again, the question to be answered here is “Who or what is standing at the helm of your ship?” “Who or what is the captain?” If it’s someone/thing other than you and you’re headed somewhere that you’re unsure of or somewhere you don’t want to go, then it’s time for change!

For now, your job is to truly figure out EXACTLY your situation. As Christ said, “if you know the truth, the truth will set you free.”

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Before I begin elaborating on how to “map” your way out of the fog of frustration, pain, worry, problems, etc., let’s reiterate where you should be at this point.

First of all, if you’ve been following my advice, you should be standing at the the helm of your ship, holding the wheel in your hands, eyes fixed on the horizon and ready to steer in the right direction. If this image isn’t working for you, let me just state it plainly - because in order to move forward, you need to fully accept the following truths about yourself:

1. Your life is your own.
2. You are responsible for yourself.
3. You have the power to change.

If you can wholeheartedly agree with the above three things, then you can definitely move forward. You now have control of your ship and you’re ready to sail to the promised land. But, if you can’t accept the above three truths, then you need to stop and reevaluate, because you’re not going anywhere. My advice - quit blaming everyone else for your problems and take responsibility for yourself. Being a victim will NOT get you what you want in this life, so let’s move past that. I could write volumes about victimization, but trust me here - always being the victim is not a healthy way to live your life. It may get you some of what you want, but you’ll never be happy playing the victim card. Quite frankly, playing the role of “victim” is surrendering to the life of a loser. So, if you’re doing it, even a little bit, stop it now before it ruins your life or somebody else’s.

My mom is a smart person. For as long as I can remember, she’s had this little saying that has stuck with me. When I was younger, it didn’t mean much, but as I’ve matured, it’s come to mean everything. Would you like to know what her little piece of advice is?

Life is what you make of it.

Did you catch that? Are you listening? That one statement basically sums up everything that I’ve been saying. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it’s overwhelmingly true. All three of those truths I listed above are wrapped up in this one little statement - “life is what you make of it.” And, no matter what your circumstance may be, no matter what storm is swirling in your life, no matter how poor, how unhappy, how sick, how frustrated, how much someone has hurt you - you need to remember, your life will NEVER be anything more or anything less than what YOU make of it.

Okay, meditate on the above. It’s a big chunk to chew on, but it will definitely get your ship moving in the right direction at this point.

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