Rick Osborn | Life Coach, Nutrition Consultant & Graphic Designer

As of late, I keep encountering people, both within my counsel and without, who seem to have trouble understanding the concept of having solid life boundaries. No matter what the issue that people are dealing with, it can invariably be traced to NOT having solidly defined boundaries for their lives. In fact, it seems that some that I encounter have almost no boundaries at all.

Frankly, those who do not have clearly defined boundaries for their lives are operating in dangerous territory. As I’ve stated before, to move forward (away from the pain, problems and frustrations) a person must have control of his ship (life). However, if you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere you don’t want to be or possibly shipwrecked for life. Having proper boundaries helps us define our path and stay focused, so that this doesn’t happen.

From a practical standpoint, I often ask my clients, “What are your goals - What are your boundaries?” Upon asking about “goals”, most can quickly come up with a list of ideal things that they’d like to accomplish in life. Unfortunately, none of these goals will ever be fully realized without healthy boundaries. Furthermore, when I continue to ask the question, “What are your boundaries?” - they usually look at me with a blank expression.

The fact of the matter is that not only do many not have clearly defined goals, but even worse is that most people do not set clearly defined boundaries for themselves.

Right now, if you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, feeling frustrated and alone, overweight and uncomfortable, dealing with a secret addiction or having an affair, overly anxious about something, in a dead-end career, in debt way over your head, or just simply stuck in a rut - YOU DO NOT HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED BOUNDARIES.

And just so you know, a BOUNDARY is an assigned limit for yourself, beyond which you DO NOT OPERATE. It’s the “line drawn in the sand.” It’s the line YOU DO NOT CROSS. If you don’t have boundaries, you don’t know who you are. If you don’t know who you are, you will NEVER be truly happy, nor will you ever be able to have stability in your life. A person without healthy boundaries is a person without direction.

The following wellness diagram is not all inclusive, but it does give an idea of the characteristics that relate to operating within and/or without a clearly defined boundary system. If you have no set boundaries, then most likely you’re operating in the red with an occasional meandering into the green. If you have clearly defined boundaries, then the characteristics that appear within the green circle should very well represent your life.

It’s your job to figure out what things you should do to stay within the circle of health above, as well as the things that you should not do to incur the negative characteristics in the red.

If you need help with this, click here so I can help you figure this out.

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Before I begin elaborating on how to “map” your way out of the fog of frustration, pain, worry, problems, etc., let’s reiterate where you should be at this point.

First of all, if you’ve been following my advice, you should be standing at the the helm of your ship, holding the wheel in your hands, eyes fixed on the horizon and ready to steer in the right direction. If this image isn’t working for you, let me just state it plainly - because in order to move forward, you need to fully accept the following truths about yourself:

1. Your life is your own.
2. You are responsible for yourself.
3. You have the power to change.

If you can wholeheartedly agree with the above three things, then you can definitely move forward. You now have control of your ship and you’re ready to sail to the promised land. But, if you can’t accept the above three truths, then you need to stop and reevaluate, because you’re not going anywhere. My advice - quit blaming everyone else for your problems and take responsibility for yourself. Being a victim will NOT get you what you want in this life, so let’s move past that. I could write volumes about victimization, but trust me here - always being the victim is not a healthy way to live your life. It may get you some of what you want, but you’ll never be happy playing the victim card. Quite frankly, playing the role of “victim” is surrendering to the life of a loser. So, if you’re doing it, even a little bit, stop it now before it ruins your life or somebody else’s.

My mom is a smart person. For as long as I can remember, she’s had this little saying that has stuck with me. When I was younger, it didn’t mean much, but as I’ve matured, it’s come to mean everything. Would you like to know what her little piece of advice is?

Life is what you make of it.

Did you catch that? Are you listening? That one statement basically sums up everything that I’ve been saying. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it’s overwhelmingly true. All three of those truths I listed above are wrapped up in this one little statement - “life is what you make of it.” And, no matter what your circumstance may be, no matter what storm is swirling in your life, no matter how poor, how unhappy, how sick, how frustrated, how much someone has hurt you - you need to remember, your life will NEVER be anything more or anything less than what YOU make of it.

Okay, meditate on the above. It’s a big chunk to chew on, but it will definitely get your ship moving in the right direction at this point.

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If you’ve been following my train of thought throughout my last couple of posts, you should now have a clear image of yourself standing at the helm of your ship, holding that wheel with both hands, ready to steer yourself in the right direction. You are the captain of your ship.

Now, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and use careful introspection (looking deep within), we will all admit that we know, somehow, the difference between right and wrong. I think in our heart of hearts and in the deep recesses of our minds, there is a small voice, whispering the truth to us. The problem is that many of us, on a fairly regular basis, tend to listen to that ever so small voice only when it’s convenient. And some of us don’t even listen to it at all. Unfortunately, this can lead to trouble - you know when we make up our own rules and don’t have any clear, preplanned design for what we should do or where we should be. If you have mounting problems over which you feel like you have no control - this may be exactly what’s been happening to you. Keep reading!

A lack of vision or focus keeps our ship (life) in the fog (confusion), seizes any control that we have over our ship (life) and keeps us meandering through rough seas with no land (solution) in sight.

In other words, if you have no focus or vision, chances are you’re not going to find a way out of your situation. If this is you and you’re ready to move forward, change course and redirect your ship (life), then what you need now is a map - and not just any old map, but the right one.

Before I go any further, I’m going to suggest a couple of things for you to do that will help you focus and find your way:

1. Meditate in the morning. Spend some time alone, inside or outside, but in a quiet place, and ask God to give you guidance. I don’t care whether or not you are religious or know how to pray - just trust me on this one. Now is where you need Divine guidance, so ask for it. Meditate on it. Confess your issues, problems, sins, frustrations or whatever you want to call them - to God and ask for guidance. Admitting our weakness and accepting His forgiveness, strength and wisdom is a good thing. It will empower and encourage you to do what needs to be done. And as the saying goes, “if God is for us, then who can be against us.”
2. Write every day. I don’t care if you’re a bad speller or if you hate writing or whatever your lame excuse may be, again, this is your life we’re talking about. If you want to get it right, then start writing. You don’t have to write a book or anything - just jot down some things that you’d like to accomplish over the next few weeks. In fact, break it down if you like. Again, this can be a visualization type of exercise. Make a time line if you want. Write down positive things (things that will get your ship moving in the right direction) that you want to achieve today, this week, in a month, by the end of the year, etc. It’s not an exhaustive list, but you need to start seeing yourself as moving out of your current bad circumstance(s) and into the place where you want to be. Furthermore, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you want. A lot of us never move out of our current misery because we don’t know where we want to actually go. This exercise will help you figure that out.
3. Rinse and Repeat. Practice the above two things and you’ll start to see some interesting and exciting things start to take place in your life. You’re going to be surprised what you’re going to learn about yourself.

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