Rick Osborn | Life Coach, Nutrition Consultant & Graphic Designer

In my previous post, entitled “Being a Victim”, I listed what I believe to be the three kinds of victims and went on to explain the first - the “ignorant” victim. In this post, I’ll continue by explaining the second kind of victim:

A Passive Victim - is someone who knowingly or willingly suffers from a destructive or injurious action or behavior. Like the “ignorant” victim, the circumstances surrounding a “passive” victim can also run the gamut. It can be as seemingly harmless as a teenager who allows him/herself to be ridiculed repeatedly by peers in order to feel accepted as part of a group or it can be much more serious, such as a wife who stays in an abusive relationship, despite the fact that her husband repeatedly abuses her. The fact remains, the first time the abuse occurs (on any level), it most likely happens unknowingly (ignorant victim). Depending on the circumstance of being victimized, if a boundary is not immediately created, the abuse will most likely happen again. At this point, the person switches from being an “ignorant” victim to a “passive” victim. The real danger here, no matter how harmless the abuse may seem, is that it can become a learned behavior. Without getting too deep into the psychology of this, let me just say that being a “passive” victim is NOT a healthy place to be. At the very core, the “passive” victim is a sick individual, by the very nature of the word “passive”. To be passive is to not have control, but to allow someone else to do the controlling, whether in a good or bad way. On a personal note, no matter how you look at it, if you are allowing someone else to captain your ship (to control your life), you will never reach your full potential in life. Moreover, you will always live in a state of perpetual frustration. I could write volumes on this particular issue, as there is much on which to elaborate.

For brevity sake, let me just direct my words to you -

If you are a passive victim - you already know it - whether you want to admit it or not. By the very nature of what it means to be “passive”, you are complicit (in agreement) to being victimized, controlled, or manipulated. Choose whatever term you want to use “to be used.” If you want to change, if you want to regain control of your life, there are a couple of important things you need to do:

1. Admit to yourself that you’re allowing it to happen.
2. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Sometimes, just admitting to yourself that you’re a “willing” victim is extremely difficult. Most of the time, it’s pretty easy to see. The most difficult part is to stop playing that role - to break that cycle, that learned response that’s been going on for so long. Few people can do it alone, but find that they need the support of healthy, objective friends, a counselor, God or a combination of all of these. Again, I could dig very deep into this particular subject, but I won’t. There are many good books that have already been written about the negative ramifications of being a victim. And there are many other familiar psychological terms that are used in the midst: codependent, addiction, etc. I only mention “victim” here, because I believe that to recognize it and to deal with it is of the utmost importance in living a healthy, balanced and productive life. For one to reach his/her full potential as a human being, there is no place for being a “passive” victim.

My hope is that if you’re a passive victim, that it’s easily recognizable and also easy for you to rectify the situation. If it’s not, feel free to contact me and we can talk. If I can’t help you, I can help you find someone who can.

For now, to move forward, search your heart and your life. Analyze your relationships with those who are close to you. If you’re playing the role of “passive” victim, it’s time for a change. I would also add that you should analyze your relationship with yourself. That may sound strange, but it’s also quite possible for us to willingly be a victim of our own bad behavior, but that’s for another discussion.

Remember, as Christ said: “if you know the Truth, the Truth will set you free.” Right now, my question for you is - Do you know the truth about your own life?

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Ok, so let’s take things a bit further. I know we talk about taking baby steps when we’re doing something difficult and trying to go from point A to point B. But, this is your life we’re talking about. It’s the only one you have and you had better make the best of it, otherwise, you’ll wake up in a nursing home (if you’re lucky enough to live that long) and wonder what in the world happened to my life. Hey, I’m 40 years old now and I’m already wondering it, so imagine what it must be like to have senioritis.

My point is this - none of us have the luxury of waiting to be or do what we’ve always dreamed about being or doing.

In case you haven’t noticed, time is not on our side. The key is, we must do it now.

If you followed the four points in my previous post, you should now be standing on your ship with the control wheel in your hand. If you’ve been able to accomplish this, then you’re ready - ready to start living the life that you’ve wanted to live. It’s time to steer that ship of yours to the “promised land” - you know - the place where you’ve been wanting to be, but just haven’t yet been able to realize.

Ok, let’s stop here for a sec and clarify something. First off, if most of your life is already in order (you know, you make good money, you have a great job, home, family, etc. and you’re reasonably happy), then you may already have most things under control. But, if you’re like most people, there’s probably an area or two that just keeps tripping you up. Perhaps there’s something going on with you that you just can’t seem to overcome. Whatever your case may be, you can apply this “ship” principle to your particular issue or situation. Again, think of your life as the ship, and perhaps you’ve got some other captain (a nagging issue, problem or even a person) who’s standing at the wheel and taking you somewhere you don’t want or need to be. Now - not tomorrow - but NOW is the time to take the wheel back and return to the right course, before you end up so far away from where you should be, that it’s virtually impossible to get back.

You may be wondering why I keep dwelling on this “ship” or “boat” analogy as opposed to just talking about your life. Well, I’m hoping that in doing so, you’ll be able to separate yourself a bit from your life and look at what’s going on with you, objectively. If you can visualize what I’m talking about, then you can apply it directly to your own circumstance or existence. This brings up an important point:

Sometimes we get so caught up in the drama of our problems, that we become paralyzed and are unable to do anything about them.

We lose perspective in the cloud of our despair and fail to see the solution clearly. That’s why it is of utmost importance that you try to step outside of your life and see things through the eyes of a third party observer. Hence, the ship analogy. Furthermore, that’s why it’s often helpful to speak to someone wise outside of your circumstances who can help you clarify things a bit. That’s exactly what I do when I meet with people who are dealing with nagging issues.

Ok, so “baby steps”. I’ll keep pressing forward, so if you’re still with me here, you’re doing well. Hang on to that wheel and I’ll start to tell you next how you can find out where to steer your ship (life) from your current location.

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